Commas Again!

[HannahD]

[*]My article got another rejection, and I really put a lot of effort into it. I do not want to fail again. Can any one help me with this :
* Combining sustainable green energy sources: Examples include biomass, wind or solar energy as a thermal source together with geothermal energy storage instead of battery storage . -- This list isn't formatted correctly.
What's wrong with it?
I read this link and I'm still trying to figure out the best way possible to rephrase.
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/02/ Point 5

[stelle]

I'm going to be honest here...this is hard for me to break down, because it's hard for me to understand. What is it that you're trying to say, exactly? Break it down into simpler sentences and go from there.

I do think that you're misusing your colon here. Unless you have "Combining sustainable green energy sources" as a subtitle, with the explanation starting on the following line. If you can reword your sentence, I'll see if I can help.

Cheers,
S

[Tster]

Hi,

When you have complicated lists it is suggested to use semi-colons to break up the items of the list.

As Stelle said, I can provide further help, but we need to know what you're trying to say.

Thanks,
Tom

[csjwilkinson]

To me this doesn't even look like a list. It seems to start off as a list and then it goes into a sentence. It is a bit confusing.

[SJHillman]

I agree that it started out as a list and then went back to being a sentence, which is confusing.

Original: Combining sustainable green energy sources: Examples include biomass, wind or solar energy as a thermal source together with geothermal energy storage instead of battery storage . -- This list isn't formatted correctly.
What's wrong with it?

My Version: Sustainable energy sources such as biomass, wind or solar can be combined with geothermal energy storage instead of chemical batteries.

My version may not fit directly in the context of your article, but it should read a bit more cleanly. While "sustainable green energy" may work for SEO, it gives me a little bit of a headache due to redundancy.

[HannahD]

Thank you for your help. My original article includes this sentence together with others in a list. The original content is something like:

STES system variations may include:
*....
*....
* Combining sustainable green energy sources: Examples include biomass, wind or solar energy as a thermal source together with geothermal energy storage instead of battery storage
I need to emphasize that biomass/wind/solar energies may comprise the thermal source part of the system, while geothermal energy is used as the energy storage method instead of batteries that are typically used to store and retrieve the energy generated at other points in time.

Thanks again,
Hannah

[Tster]

Can't you just put " as a thermal source together with geothermal energy storage instead of battery storage" in parentheses?

[Isabelnewth]

I think the SJH version works well: it is much clearer, and it does convey that you are generating and storing energy by different 'sustainable' methods.

Could there be an issue about the formatting of the main list though? Are all the items formatted consistently?