I Should Be Writing

[Elizabeth Ann West]

Hayley-

This is my first baby. I have an 8 yo stepson that has been in my life since he was 3 years old. He is awesome! We waited almost 2 years to get pregnant with this little girl, and I lost one very early on in a pregnancy in April 2007. Infertility is tough. My battle with it is actually part of my testimony. Let me be clear, I don't think everyone with infertility is somehow not right with God. But it was true for me that I had just about every blessing imaginable (happy healthy family, no want materially, happy marriage), except the ability to grow a child in my womb. I do firmly believe God used infertility to get MY attention, that everything I have in life is not based on some great ability I have that no one else has... For months I was a basket case last summer when my health was failing and I sobbed to my husband "why? why? why me?" He tried, but he really couldn't fix my misery. More complication for me the ex wife got pregnant right away with her new husband and they had a baby while we had been trying. Not to get too into it, but I wouldn't describe her as a great Mom or deserving in my opinion. I was constantly comparing myself to her, knowing the hurt and pain she'd caused my husband and stepson, and SHE gets what she wants without any trial?

Last August I asked my neighbor to tag along to church. I've gone nearly every Sunday since, and really hate missing! I started going to Women's bible study. I had tried to become a Christian before, but it just wasn't right. It's funny because in my Bible study book the first week of September we had to write something we wanted that God wasn't granting. I wrote all about how I felt that I couldn't get pregnant, and then we had to place it in God's hands. And I did. October 16 I tested positive. It was that very cycle I became pregnant. Again, not saying that's all anyone who is infertile needs to do, but in my case it was the way God chose to work in my life.

[HayleyWriter]

Hi Elizabeth,

Yes, I do believe that God can and does use the trials in our lives to draw us closer to himself. For me, he has blessed me with peace about my infertility and a full, happy life without children. I did need to draw closer to Him before I was granted that peace. It is different for everyone, and God shapes lives in different ways. I'm glad you are close to having your dream fulfilled with your little girl, and I am sure your stepson brings much joy into your life.

I had a similar case with my husband's ex-wife. Before I accepted my infertility and we were still trying, she had two babies. She'd always told my husband she never wanted kids, and then had two straight away as soon as she left him. I also don't think she would necessarily be a good mother, but in the end it's not for me to judge, so I had to give my questioning and heartache over to God. It's hard to look at other women with children who seem to not be good mothers while you are struggling with infertility. I think that question of "Why me?" is very common in this situation.

Losing a baby is hardest of all, I think.

Anyway, I better go and finish that article now that I am doubly inspired - thanks!

Kind regards,

Hayley