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Posted: **Thu Jun 10, 2010 6:59 am**

This is a question about revisions, not a specific article.

Recently I was directed to this resource for revisions -

http://www.indiana.edu/~wts/pamphlets/paragraphs.shtml

I found this resource the most helpful out of the three links Ed provided automatically.

After working with this information (which was a good review), I pose this question to Ed and other writers.

When you work with the topic sentence and use the same terms and phrases in repetition throughout a paragraph and throughout the article, the readability is increased. Yes. But when you read your article, don't you find it boring? I did this recently, (extensively for a rewrite in which much of the material was new on the second round), and I believe an over-emphasis on cohesion made the article lose the conversational tone that is common in web writing.

In other words, it is possible to spend too much time organizing and structuring.

P.S. I especially liked the part about parallelism. But the example paragraph written by George Harrison from "Faith and the Scientist" was also boring to read. There was not enough variation in sentence structure to keep the experienced reader intererested. Just my opinion.

Any thoughts?

Posted: **Thu Jun 10, 2010 10:26 pm**

This is a good question. My answer would be to use the information in that link as guidelines, or basic information, about how to write good paragraphs. I wouldn't take it too literally, or use it mechanically. Most of the principles are good, but their execution is where you have some leeway.

Also, there were a couple of points I didn't agree with as universal rules for paragraphs. The first was the idea about repeating key words or phrases: I think that advice really depends on what kind of material you're writing. Maybe in technical writing you want to bend over backwards to be clear, but in most writing I don't think that kind of repetition is necessary. And if you find your own writing boring, that's probably a good indication that you've taken the advice too far.

The other point I disagreed with is that all paragraphs need a conclusion. It depends on what kind of paragraph you're writing. In a paragraph like the Harrison example, it makes perfect sense to sum up all that information in some way. But drawing a neat conclusion, or summing up every paragraph at the end, is simply not something you always need -- or want -- to do. (Again, maybe it helps in technical writing.)

(And about that paragraph being boring, it's just not a great read, at least in my opinion, for reasons other than parallel structure. "Or they can bring happenings of long ago and far away as colored motion pictures, by arranging silver atoms and color-absorbing molecules to force light waves into the patterns of original reality" -- if I were that sentence, I would be very quiet and hope no one notices me.)

Anyway, I would just make sure you're comfortable with the principles of clarity and coherence, and try to achieve them in whatever way suits the article you're writing. To answer your question, I wouldn't say you can "spend too much time" organizing and structuring, but I would say following rules to the point that they end up diminishing the quality of your writing is something to avoid.

Does that help?

Posted: **Thu Jun 10, 2010 11:35 pm**

I was also bored with the sample paragraph. In addition to be boring to read, we're reading it from a Web content writer's perspective. The sample paragraph is obviously not meant for the Web. If we were reading a detailed book about telescopes and such, perhaps that entry would capture our imaginations (despite its dull presentation - LOL).

Web writing is its own beast where short paragraphs are practically required. We don't have the luxury to fully develop paragraphs in the manner detailed in this example. Yes, each paragraph should have its own topic, but with Web writing, that example paragraph would likely need to be split into several. This doesn't mean just randomly splitting it; you'd need to craft each subtopic appropriately so that each paragraph break makes sense.

Shoot, that single paragraph is over 200 words. With Web writing, a 500-word article is common. That example doesn't leave much room for an introductory paragraph, several paragraphs of body text, and a conclusion. If it were me, writing the same topic for the Web, that paragraph wouldn't be a paragraph, but a section made up of several paragraphs. It could even be a standalone blog post.

For fun, here's my interpretation of the paragraph as written for the Web.

Scientists have learned to supplement the sense of sight in numerous ways including via giant telescopes, microscopes, electromagnetic radiation, and even through short-wave x-rays. Whether looking to the stars or staring deep down into the molecular level, scientists can see far beyond the gift of sight bestowed upon man.

For example, scientists use a 200-inch monocle at the Palomar Observatory in southern California, and with it see 2000 times farther into the depths of space than _____ (is possible with the naked eye?/ …other telescopes?). Giant lenses allow astronomers to blah blah blah. . . *expand and conclude with another sentence or two.*

When scientists aren’t looking outward, they’re looking inward. Let’s switch gears from the gigantic lenses of Mt. Palomar to those of a powerful microscope capable of magnifying a drop of water or blood by as much as 2000 times where a world of living organisms, many of which are among man’s most dangerous enemies, appear before our eyes. *sentence expanding slightly*

What if scientists want to see distant happenings on Earth? They can do so by using some of the previously wasted electromagnetic waves used for carrying television images and transforming them into light by whipping tiny crystals on a screen with electrons in a vacuum. Similarly, events that occurred long ago and light years away can be viewed as colored motion pictures through the arrangement of silver atoms and color-absorbing molecules which forces light waves into their original patterns.

Scientists that want to view the center of a steel casting or the chest of an injured child send the information on a beam of penetrating short-wave x-rays and then convert the information back into images that can be viewed on a screen or photograph. These technologies are used in the forensics, medical, and ___ fields as well as to ____.

Whether through lenses or electromagnetic radiation, scientists have been able to extend the sense of sight in miraculous ways. From peering to the outer depths of space and into the tiniest molecules to recreating past events and treating sick or injured patients, the science of extended sight blah blah blah….

The tutorial makes sense, but I think the original example paragraph is a poor and boring example regardless of whether the tutorial was meant for general or Web writing. Plus, it contradicts the advice that follows such as consistency in points of view.

Posted: **Fri Jun 11, 2010 12:03 am**

Celeste, Great lesson in how to spruce up a topic for the web!

Posted: **Fri Jun 11, 2010 7:08 am**

Great thoughts. thanks!

Posted: **Fri Jun 11, 2010 8:53 am**

Yeah, Web writing is different with shorter paragraphs. However, you'll notice that each of the revised paragraphs have their own individual topics and supporting/concluding elements despite their shorter lengths which I believe is the original intent of the Indiana.edu pamphlet. I just tweaked it so that it's hopefully more relevant to us Web writers

Fun fact: Just as Sarah Palin can see Russia from her backyard, I can see Mt. Palomar from my front yard!

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