Constructive Criticism Thread

[BarryDavidson]

The only thing which saved Southwest Airlines from utter dissolution In the first several years after the second millennium were the fuel contracts it had negotiated with major oil companies in advance, saving the company billions.

[Ed]

It seems like the only way to say this clearly is with something long and convoluted, which I know is not your style. A little digging comes up with what I hesitated to suggest when you first posted:

In the middle of the first decade of the 21st century

The mid-zeros of the 21st century

In the 3rd to 5th year of the 21st century

Unfortunately, there appears to be no standard agreed upon - there wasn't even in the first decade of the 1900s, apparently. You could also say something like

Between the years 2002 and 2007 . . .

[Celeste Stewart]

Thanks all. I think I'll stick to the early 2000s.

[Elizabeth Ann West]

I agree on early 2000s would be the most correct as we do say in the early 1900s to mean like a year 1905 or 1906 etc.

[mariposa]

I'm writing a short piece about mother-daughter camps. I'm trying to be entertaining in my portrayal of the tensions moms and pre-pubescent daughters feel. I am trying to point out the fact that many moms are going through menopause at the same time that their daughters are going through puberty-- and the fact that this is a recipe for conflict. The way I am writing it is just not working, and I can't think of anything else. Any ideas?

"For mothers and daughters who are working through the pre-pubescent-pre-menopausal clash of the hormones, these weekend getaways offer a welcome retreat from tensions at home."

Could I use an em dash to separate pre-menopausal from pre-pubescent?

"For mothers and daughters who are working through the pre-pubescent--pre-menopausal clash of the hormones, these weekend getaways offer a welcome retreat from tensions at home."

Any ideas to increase the humor a little bit? It seems like there's potential for humor here, and I'm just not finding it.

[Ed]

I don't think an m-dash is really appropriate in this situation, but you might rearrange the wording if you are worried about these two words running together. In addition, "prepubescent" doesn't necessarily take a hyphen, which might help. For that matter, it looks like even medical orgs recognize premenopausal without a hyphen (http://www.cancer.gov/Templates/db_alph ... drID=45268)

"For premenopausal women and their prepubescent daughters, both working independently through fluctuating hormone levels, the simultaneous occurrence of life change . . . "

As for humor, I think this subject has a lot of potential, and you could probably use the camp atmosphere to your advantage if you want the tone to remain light. I guess there are all kinds of camp/retreats that aren't literal camps, but this is just some brainstorming.

. . . weekend getaways can offer a soothing change. Each woman can assert her identity, not within the confines of the living room, but within the expanse of the woods.

Campfires melt chilly relations, she-bears vs. humans, wilderness that absorbs frustrated shouts, too exhausted to bicker, chores that flip the switch for an evolutionary need to cooperate . . .

[mariposa]

Ed-
Thanks for the help with the mother-daughter hormone stuff. ;-)

[Ed]

Well, I hope it was helpful, but I wasn't sure. If you need more suggestions, please do ask. I'm sure there are writers who had some but decided to remain quiet. ;)

[susie2]

Hi, I received a rejection here on my "Do's & Don'ts Article on Dating,"twice because of clarity, even though I revised it the second time. I've reread it and really don't see what is unclear about it, but I know that writers often don't see their own mistakes. Would someone be kind enough to let me know what's unclear about this tip, for instance, if anything. Many thanks.

Do: Relax
When going on a date, make sure you are not thinking about an important event such as an upcoming meeting, or an emergency. The other person will sense your mind isn't totally on the occasion, and conversation will lack.

[SallyA]

Hi Susie,

I'm sure others will pitch in with their own thoughts but here are mine.

The unclear part to me is the end of the last sentence - ".... and conversation will lack". I would suggest revising that to make it more obvious what you mean there. Perhaps something like "... and conversation will suffer as a result" would be more clear?

[susie2]

Thanks much, SallyA. That's a good suggestion and most appreciated.


Susie

[Celeste Stewart]

I think the problem with this line is that you are telling the reader to "do" something in the heading but in the description the impression is that you are telling the person what NOT to do. I'd reword it so that the description contains more "do" actions to match.

Do: Relax
When out on a date, relax and enjoy yourself. Banish distracting thoughts, such as pending deadlines or medical concerns, from your mind and focus on the moment. If your mind is wandering, your date will sense it and the conversation is sure to suffer.

[susie2]

Hi, Celeste,

Thanks so much. Yep, I agree with you. Much appreciation. Wish I had thought of that... :)


Susie

[Celeste Stewart]

You're welcome. In thinking about it a bit more, I think I'd expand the relax theme and move the distracting thoughts theme into it's own "don't" sections. For example:


Do: Relax
When out on a date, relax and enjoy yourself. After all, you are meeting with a potential life partner! Savor the moment and do your best to remain calm and approachable. Remember that your date is likely just as nervous as you are. Your relaxed demeanor (and a friendly smile) is sure to put your date at ease, too. By staying relaxed and focused on the moment, _______.

Don't: Allow Distractions to Interfere
While your work or personal life may be overwhelming, banish distracting thoughts, such as pending deadlines or medical concerns, from your mind and focus on this special occasion. If you're distracted, your date will sense it and the conversation - and the entire evening - will suffer.

Hope this helps with the clarity concerns.

[susie2]

I really like that, Celeste. Most appreciated! You're such a big help to so many here. Many thanks.

Susie