Constructive Criticism Thread

[Celeste Stewart]

I see a few lines which is appropriate for the constructive criticism thread. We don't want to post large chunks here because they could get indexed which would be bad for potential buyers.

Re:
What Christmas Means to Me
Baby Jesus is what Christmas is all about. Unlike most people say, although there’s nothing wrong with it, “Jesus is the reason for the season,” it’s more accurate to say, “We are the reason for the season, but Jesus is the season!” There is even a Christmas song that talks about us being the reason that He gave His life.

Is this for a CC submission? If so, the first person voice needs to go as first person is not accepted here. Try:

Another Perspective on the Meaning of Christmas
The birth of Jesus is what Christmas is all about, not Santa or tasty cookies. While many people say, "Jesus is the reason for the season," consider this perspective: We are the reason for the season, but Jesus is the season. For example, did you know that the Christmas song, ______________, doesn't just celebrate Christ's birth but explains the reason He gave His life?

The song explains that. . .

[zwag]

Thanks to all of you who helped me. I wish I could give each of you a thousand bucks a piece for your help. Merry Christmas. I especially like the part about no Santa although it's all right to let children pretend there's one, just so long as they know it's pretend and you tell them what Christmas is really all about. Certainly though, they should not be told there is a Santa for real.

[zwag]

How do these changes look and the next sentences I have now? Also, is my spacing ok?

Another Perspective on the Meaning of Christmas
The birth of Jesus is what Christmas is really all about, not Santa or tasty cookies. While many people say, “Jesus is the reason for the season, consider this perspective: We are the reason for the season, but Jesus is the season. For example, did you know that the Christmas song, “We Are the reason”, written by David doesn’t just celebrate Christ’s birth but explains the reason He gave His life? It says that we were the reason that He gave His life, we are the reason that He suffered and died.

Mr. David goes on to talk about God giving all He could give to a lost world and that He did this to show the purpose for living.

[zwag]

I figured out one error I need to change. I didn't put the man's last name. I'll correct that before I reupload it.

[4rumid]

While many people say, “Jesus is the reason for the season, consider this perspective: We are the reason for the season, . . . did you know that the Christmas song, “We Are the reason”, . . .

Don't know if you're looking for help with tiny things or just wording issues, but . . .

Insert close parenthesis after season: While many people say, “Jesus is the reason for the season,"
Capitalize Reason in the song title

[JD]

You also need to delete the comma before the song title in the following:

For example, did you know that the Christmas song, “We Are the reason”, written by David doesn’t just celebrate Christ’s...

So that it reads:

For example, did you know that the Christmas song “We Are the reason”, written by David, doesn’t just celebrate Christ’s...

As a general rule of thumb with something like a song title or film/book title, if you place the title in between commas, you should be able to take the title out of the sentence and the sentence still make sense. That's not the case in your sentence, because if you take out the actual song title, the sentence doesn't make sense. Therefore, the commas are in the wrong place - or at least the first one is!

Example:

Mr. Smith listened to his favorite song, "My Way", before leaving the house.
[The sentence would still make sense without the song title in it, that's why it's in between commas.]

The song "My Way" is Mr. Smith's favorite song.
[The song title cannot be excluded from this sentence or else it wouldn't make sense, that's why it's not in between commas.]

Hope that makes sense! Good luck!

Jane

[zwag]

The birth of Jesus is what Christmas is really all about, not Santa or tasty cookies. While many people say, “Jesus is the reason for the (season), consider this perspective: We are the reason for the season, but Jesus is the season. For example, did you know that the Christmas song “We Are the Reason”, written by David, doesn’t just celebrate Christ’s birth but explains the reason He gave His life?: It says that we are the reason that He gave His life, we are the reason that He suffered and died.

I've made the necessary corrections suggested. I even found one myself just a few seconds before typing this. Is there anything else? After I get this section checked one last time, I'm going to put some more of the article on here for proof reading.

[4rumid]

Oh dear -- I steered you in the wrong direction. When I said "close parenthesis" after season, I meant close QUOTE.

While many people say, “Jesus is the reason for the season," consider . . .

Sorry about that!

[Celeste Stewart]

I put some notes in between asterisks:

The birth of Jesus is what Christmas is really all about, not Santa or tasty cookies. While many people say, “Jesus is the reason for the (season),*********** Why the parentheses? Try: While many people say, "Jesus is the reason for the season," ********** consider this perspective: We are the reason for the season, but Jesus is the season. For example, did you know that the Christmas song “We Are the Reason”, written by David ********** Does David have a first or second name or is he an apostle or something? Try: ... song "We are the Reason," written by David the Apostle (or David Lastname), . . ." ******** doesn’t just celebrate Christ’s birth but explains the reason He gave His life?*********** Remove this extra colon -----> : ***** It says that we are the reason that He gave His life, we are the reason that He suffered and died.

[Celeste Stewart]

Oh dear -- I steered you in the wrong direction. When I said "close parenthesis" after season, I meant close QUOTE.

Yeah, but as writers, we should consider the advice given and make a judgment as to whether or not the advice is correct or slightly off - or even downright wrong. Upon applying the advice to put a "close parenthesis" in that spot, it should have been apparent that parenthesis didn't make sense there and that a closing quotation mark was in order. Receiving critiques is also about self editing.

[4rumid]

I agree, Celeste, and I had even written the sentence out with the correct close quotation mark. But still, I did make the mistake, so wanted to acknowledge it.

[Celeste Stewart]

It's funny, because the quotation mark was fine originally. Then I suggested something and somehow dropped it in my suggestion. I went in and edited my post after re-reading my suggestion, but I guess it got copied and pasted in between. Just goes to show you that you can't just blindly accept another writer's suggestion - you still have to proof, proof, and proof.

[zwag]

For this year I've given up on my Christmas article, but I've made the latest changes and I plan to pick up where I left off earlier next year than I started on it this year. I'm trying to write for a public request. So check this out and tell me what you think please. Thanks.

Natures Incredible Lightshow

The northern lights are extremely interesting, amazing and breathtakingly beautiful. They are the most beautiful in the Canadian north and not for from the north and south poles. Many believe the splendor of the aurora can’t be matched by any man made lightshow.

[4rumid]

Natures Incredible Lightshow

The northern lights are extremely interesting, amazing and breathtakingly beautiful. They are the most beautiful in the Canadian north and not for from the north and south poles. Many believe the splendor of the aurora can’t be matched by any man made lightshow.

A few comments:

Mechanics
"man made" should be hyphenated, and "lightshow" is two words. Also, you have at least one punctuation error and one spelling error . . . PROOFREAD!!

Wording
Think about each word you use and what it contributes to your article. In your first sentence, what's the difference between "interesting" and "amazing"? And what do those adjectives mean in this context? Interesting scientifically? Do you mean amazing to look at? If so, you've also said breathtakingly beautiful. What does amazing add? You may have something specific in mind when you write "interesting" and "amazing," but as you use them here, they're just vague adjectives. And if you don't have something specific in mind, you're just using them as filler -- which makes writing sound amateurish.

Also, does "extremely" refer to all three adjectives? If so, "extremely amazing" and "extremely breathtakingly beautiful" are overkill. And, again, calling the northern lights "extremely interesting" is just vague.

Hope you don't mind the critique, and I hope this is helpful!!

[zwag]

thanks. I don't mind at all, but I wsa trying to use something different than the article the man gave us used and I didn't want to sound boring. I'll see if I can do something different.