Constructive Criticism Thread

[BarryDavidson]

Did a computer auto generate the ads they're spamming us with, or are they yet another example of outsourcing to foreign countries where English isn't the primary language?

[HayleyWriter]

To cgardener:

I've read at the Purdue site, but I still can't figure out where the commas go in this sentence. Help!

Often, just starting out with something like "Please don't read this as anger, because it's not" will avoid misinterpretations in written communications.

My understanding is that you have the two commas in the correct place, however, you should have commas to seperate the quotation marks too.

"Often, just starting out with something like, "Please don't read this as anger, because it's not," will avoid misinterpretations in written communications."

Can I suggest that the start is a bit wordy and could be written concisely:

Starting with, "Please don't read this as written in anger, because it's not," will avoid common misinterpretations in written communication.

This gets the need for commas down from four to three and is easier to read.

You may like to rework the sentence again, but the idea is to reduce the need for too many commas in the one sentence. I find that having too many clauses in the sentence means too many commas, so I am learning to write concisely too. I really hope this helps! I have been enjoying reading some of your articles and appreciate your writing style is quite different to mine, so I am sure you will be able to rework the sentence again to meet your own style. Good luck with it.

Kind regards,

Hayley

[BarryDavidson]

This one may be a bit weird, but I must ask anyway.

I have a satire/humor piece. It's almost written in first person, but mostly makes references to "we" (meaning men in general). If I'm reading the guidelines correctly, it's almost certain to be rejected.

If I change all the I's and we's, the piece just isn't as funny. It doesn't have that personal "feel" which was intended. It sounds more like an attack on women, rather than the "that's funny but true" ambiance.

I'll send the article to anyone willing to take a look at it. The work has been published elsewhere, but I still have rights to it. (Yes, I made the mistake of putting it on an ad-sharing site.)

[Ed]

You can read our reasons for not accepting personal accounts, articles written in the first-person POV, articles with author intrusion here:
http://www.constant-content.com/blog/?p=90

I don't think your "we" should be a problem, but I do always feel a little uneasy when I get humor/satire pieces. While I'm not suggesting that yours is or will be, most of these are not successful or end up being offensive. Many also don't go anywhere. If you choose to submit it, please weigh what you know about the site with what you feel the piece is trying to accomplish.

Thanks.

[BarryDavidson]

Here's a small part of it...

What Men Hear

Since the beginning of time, men have asked a question. Why is it that we are always accused of not listening? Granted, there are times when we're engrossed in what we're doing and don't hear. Men aren't that good at multitasking, and must concentrate on one thing at a time. We understand this limitation, and work with it.

Men also have short attention spans on the average. Sometimes we refuse to answer because answering either way would be a one way ticket to the doghouse. We always listen. In most cases at any rate. We don't listen while we're mowing the lawn or watching TV, but that's more along the lines of; we can't hear therefore we don't listen. I've come up with a few answers for women, if they have a mind to listen.

I believe that women are taught the art of diversion and misdirection at a young age. It may be genetic, but the government hasn't done a study on it yet. Even if a study were performed, the results would cause controversy and endless litigation unless the results were favorable to women.

Women always try to flank men, coming into any situation from an angle. Men are direct and defenseless against this maneuver. Women also use their voices to intone certain words to mean the opposite of what they're saying. I've decided to outline a few of the things that women say or ask, and what we men actually hear. While not one-hundred percent correct, it is still the general gist of the questions and what is actually heard by men.

“Clean out the garage/shed.”

[Celeste Stewart]

Hi Barry,

I'd lose the "we" and "I" POV. Each time you say something like "I decided" or "I think," it felt out of place. Unless you start out strong with a first person POV, whenever "I" sneaks it it's jarring. Who is "I" anyway? I've made a few suggestions below if you want to take a look. Feel free to take it or leave it.

Also, I eliminated "I believe that" for two reasons. One: the first person POV thing. Two: Make the statement without apologies and then back it up with examples. Then let the readers make up their own minds. Some will agree, others won't.

[Celeste Stewart]

Anyhow, here are a few ideas:

What Men Hear

Since the beginning of time, men have asked a question, “Why is it that we are always accused of not listening?”

Granted, men are often engrossed in whatever they’re doing and they don't hear. This is because men are terrible multi-taskers that can only concentrate on one thing at a time. Most men understand this limitation, and work with it. Men also have short attention spans, often refusing to answer because any answer would be a one way ticket to the doghouse. <<Doesn’t make sense – that’s not really an attention span, it’s more like selective hearing. – How about:>> Men also have selective hearing, often pretending not to hear for fear of having to answer – and any answer would be a one way ticket to the dog house. They can hear just fine except when mowing the lawn or watching TV, but that’s more along the lines of, “I can’t hear; therefore, I won’t listen.”

This blend of one-track minds, intense concentration, and selective hearing leave women wondering, “What is it that men actually hear?” Meanwhile, women are taught the art of diversion and misdirection at a young age. <<Give an example or two to back this statement up>>. It may be genetic <<< It may be in their chromosones – not sure “genetic” is quite the right word>>, but the government hasn't done a study on that theory yet. Even if they did, the results would cause controversy and endless litigation unless favorable to women.

Women always try to flank men, coming into any situation from an angle. Men are direct and defenseless against this maneuver. Further, women have mastered the art of voice inflection, using their voices to change the meaning of words. With this in mind, let’s look at what women say or ask, and what the men actually hear.

“Clean out the garage.”

[BarryDavidson]

Celeste,

Thanks for your comments. I'll rework it without the I's and the we's, and go from there. I have three different folders on my desktop. One is the original uncut version, another is a revised version (which could be almost completely different from the original), and the version I submit.

I originally wrote, "What Men Hear," when I was a member of a writer's website. In the forums there, I dared the women on the site to write the companion piece, "What Women Hear." No one even attempted to do it. So... I wrote it myself. I passed it around to several women, asking their opinion, before posting it. In the end, "What Women Hear," did better. Perhaps it was the novelty of a man writing it. I hoped it was because I got it mostly right.

[Ed]

Thanks, Celeste. I would have given similar advice.

What I have a problem is the assurance the author seems to have about what women do. Do wome really "try" to come at a situation at an angle? No. Women and men simply have different ways of dealing with situations and other human beings. This has been proven by psychologists, sociologists, and other scientists. The article would have to have examples from studies for it to fly. It would also have to be free of innuendo, as per our guidelines.

Just as I would not accept an article that assumed something about people of a certain ethnicity or race, I cannot accept articles that make assumptions about members the opposite gender.

Thanks,
Ed

[BarryDavidson]

So, what you saying is that here, comedy is dead...

Okay... I can accept that. I had hopes, but I'll look for elsewhere to realize them.

[HayleyWriter]

True comedy never dies, but offences are also long-lived! There is a difference between comedy that makes everyone laugh or grin in understanding, and words which offend part of the population. Try writing comments that everyone can relate to, good satire is when you grin ruefully and say, "oh yeah, I do that too!", so people end up laughing at themselves, not at someone else's expense. As a woman, I personally found some of your original phrasing offensive, but Celeste's suggestions wiped away those concerns. Thanks Celeste! You asked for help and you have received some great insights from both Celeste and Ed. Good luck with it.

[BarryDavidson]

Thanks Hayley, but it doesn't matter. I probably won't post it here. At least not until there's a public or private request for something like it.

You see, good satire is ALWAYS going to offend someone. Satire about Obama offends Democrats, Satire about McCain offends someone (not sure about that one yet). I consulted with a writer from The Onion. He told me, "If someone finds it offensive either their clocks are wound far too tight, or it's completely true."

He went on to later say, "If it offends someone then you're obviously doing your job."

[HayleyWriter]

Perhaps you're right and good humour is more generally acceptable than the stronger satire format. I don't know who this guy from The Onion is who you keep quoting but surely this is not your only authority on satire?

[GyZ]

Hello, I hope I don't interrupt any communication flow here. This is a portion of an article that was rejected on two occasions, I would like to hear your feed on it, I myself can't notice those surely-present mistakes. Here goes:

- example deleted to keep Copyscape at peace -

related recommendation:
Always make a copy of everything you delete - just to be safe!

[BarryDavidson]

Let's see....

You might want to consider separating that initial sentence into two.

It would be an understatement to say that life is among the greatest storytellers, especially when you consider that Roger Donaldson's latest motion picture, The Bank Job (release date). The movie is based on true events that took place in London, 1971. (perhaps use the name the news services used in their bylines?)

"The frame of the buildup is rather complex and intriguing." This is a bit vague, and most people wouldn't know a buildup from a hot dog. Perhaps starting simpler would help. "The movie opens with (the series of events leading up to the actual heist)"

Which "Intelligence Agency" are you referring to in the third paragraph? Who picks up the transmissions? It's all right to be a little vague when describing action, explosions, and other such things. Where you run into trouble is when you're describing the actual plot. Be a little more specific without spoiling the whole movie. (I know just how hard this is, because I do the same things)

I'm still ingesting my morning two pots of coffee, so I'll try to offer more later. Sorry to be of so little help.