Constructive Criticism Thread

[zwag]

I owe you an appology. I've been revising my article for that perosn who wants one about the aura boreas. You mentioned my making light show two words instead of one. Well, my computer didn't think so. Also, in re-reading the article, I thought amazing and awe would be basically the same thing. The author of the original article recommended used "awe." I'll admit I didn't look "amaze" and "awe" up, but I should have and I will. That's not what I'm appologizing for. I started talking to myself about you. No one else heard me, but God did. I used some bad language. I'm not going to use bad language on this forum or this site because I'd get kicked off whether I claim to be a Christian or not, and that's to be expected. I claim to be a Christian and I know I'd better act like one, not only on here but in my private life when no one but God is watching me. Of course He's the most important one that's watching and listening to my thoughts and words. Every idle word that men shall speak they shall give an account theireof in the day of judgment. I think that means words not under the blood. Also if I really repent I'll change and I can't really repent if I don't feel convicted, but thank God I do or I wouldn't be doing this.

[4rumid]

zwag,

I assume you're referring to me in your last post.

I'm very sorry you took my comments so hard. I hesitated to post them because I didn't know if they'd go over badly, but you seem so eager to learn that I wanted help!

While you're working on your writing, it's important not to take criticism personally -- as hard as that can be sometimes. It's not meant personally -- it's meant to help you, not hurt you -- and the only way to improve is to get LOTS of feedback about LOTS of things . . . from mechanics like punctuation and grammar, to word choice and style. Nobody loves toiling over a piece of writing only to be told it needs to be changed, but all good writers have learned their skills by getting criticism and working hard to fix whatever the problems are. And practice, practice, practice . . .

Good writing takes a long time to master, but you seem willing to work hard, and that's great. Keep at it -- and best of luck!

4r.

[zwag]

Commentary on Psalms 23

The Psalmist isn’t saying that the Lord is someone else’s shepherd, but the Psalmist’s. The author said that because of this he would not lack.

[DennisMartz]

Hey Zwag,

Ya really need to sit back, relax and chill out...

Believe it or not, we're all here to help each other...

Slow down and enjoy the ride...

Don't worry - the "destination" will still be there...

(and think of all the good friends you'll make along the way...)

Dennis

[zwag]

yeah, I know you'e right. I'm talking about the one I appolagized to.

[zwag]

Well Mr. Denis, you didn't tell me if anything was right or wrong with that sentence from my comentary on Psalms 23, so I don't know what your poem or whatever you wrote, means. Do you mean I should have kept submiting revised articles about the aroura borealis?

[zwag]

Hey Dennis, plesae let me ask you something or anyone else who wants to answer. Do you think I'm bighting off more than I can chew to try and write an article for one of those public requests? I'm a beginning writer and a beginner on this site. I was interested in writing about the northern lights, but after reading the suggested site info. several times and trying to put it into my own words, I thought it was too complicated.

I'm working now on an article about the history of caviar. It's asking for 800 words. I'm working with a one page article now that I found on the internet. I think from all the instructions given I'll have to look for other web sites too. The reason I decided to write something on Psalms 23 is that it's a very familiar Psalm and it's very short.

I also invite that person I appologized to, as well as others to critique that sentence I wrote on Ps. 23. I do remember one good rule someone posted on this site and that's to mostly do your own proofreading, but allow others to help you and then make judgments as to whether you use their help. By the help and grace of God, I'll not be such a jerk next time.

[zwag]

Here's more to work with on the Psalms 23 comentary.

Commentary on Psalms 23

The Psalmist isn’t saying that the Lord is someone else’s shepherd, but the Psalmist’s. The author said that because of this he would not lack. Because of the personal relationship with the Lord as his shepherd, he knew that the Lord would cause him to lie down in green pastures. It’s just another way of saying that he could have peace and rest and all his needs could and would be met.

[zwag]

Well dearest ma'am I thought that by making hat I said right, I must have scared every critiquer from helping me, especially you. I guess I shouldn't have posted that. I do seek to laern from my mistakes. I sure don't want to ruin my chances of being a success on this site because of what I said. I want to make a sale of some kind and I understand that I could eventaully make a living just from the revenue of this site. I read on this site that a person can make a reliable income here. Even if someone doesn't get rich directly, it seems like a legitimate way to earn income and my parents and I feel like we've tried every home business under the sun. I understand from other sources that wrting is very dicouraging and doing the proces offline may be much more discouraging and expensive then here. Since I've been on here, I'm beginning to think that this might just be God's calling on my life. If it is I sure dno't want to ruin it.

[zwag]

Are you hung up or hung over?

“Be not drunk with wine wherein is excess but be filled with the Spirit, speaking to yourselves in Psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord.” (Ephesians 5:18-19)

The New Year has arrived and many brought it in with a party.
Most likely they drank wine and other alcoholic beverages until they couldn't stand up. The only problem is, the next morning they were throwing up. Yuck! The Bible says not only that the pleasures of sin last only for a season, but also that at God's right hand there are pleasures forevermore. (see Hebrews 11:25 and Psalms 16:11)

[HayleyWriter]

Hi Zwag,

“Be not drunk with wine wherein is excess but be filled with the Spirit, speaking to yourselves in Psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord.” (Ephesians 5:18-19)

The New Year has arrived and many brought it in with a party.
Most likely they drank wine and other alcoholic beverages until they couldn't stand up. The only problem is, the next morning they were throwing up. Yuck! The Bible says not only that the pleasures of sin last only for a season, but also that at God's right hand there are pleasures forevermore. (see Hebrews 11:25 and Psalms 16:11)

I think you are using too many vague terms. Tighten your writing and add clarity by using specific terms for your writing. For example - many who or what brought in the New Year's with a party? Who most likely drank wine until they couldn't stand up? Do you mean every single person who drank alcohol on New Year's Eve? Do you mean everyone who went to a party on that night? I am a Christian myself and I enjoyed a glass of wine on New Year's eve, but I certainly didn't drink until I couldn't stand up. I would say that the majority of people who celebrated New Year's Eve around the world did not throw up the following morning. Be careful about making such broad and negative statements about groups of people, as such statements can be misunderstood and offensive. Narrow down exactly who you are talking about. Who was throwing up? Where does the problem connect to the previous statement? Even without the non-sentence of Yuck!, this paragraph is vague, confusing, and could be offensive as the implications to the reader is that everyone who went to a party on New Year's Eve drank too much alcohol and consequently threw up the next morning. The paragraph certainly lacks clarity.

I hope these comments help you.

Kind regards,

Hayley

[Lor]

I'm back from a long break and getting used to CC again, so I have to ask this. I have looked and looked at this two-line title trying to find the correct punctuation. I've never asked for assistance like this before because errors are usually glaring when pointed out. But this has me a little bit stumped. This is a bit of an analysis of titles and help would be greatly appreciated. <gr>

The Dance of the Bumble Bees
Plants for the Beekeeper's Garden

Since the lead title is the name of a musical piece, I'm thinking that it should read ...

"The Dance of the Bumble Bees"
Plants for the Beekeeper's Garden

This was my first thought. But insecurity sent me searching and I thought I should check some of the offerings from the more experienced writers for CC to see if they habitually used colons after the first line. Not habitually as it turns out and it runs the gamut, from colons or commas or nothing after the first line to very long one-line titles with lists and no commas at all. (stumped further) I have used colons in two-line CC titles before, but not always and I didn't here, probably because I've become more used to a different format elsewhere. Still not 100% sure about the colon being the problem.

Then I started questioning the phrase "the Beekeeper's Garden," but possessive words should have the apostrophe placed inside the s, like "the writer's lot, the gardener's plot and the baby's cot." I considered placing the apostrophe after Beekeepers like "Beekeepers' '" and if the word "the" wasn't there, it would have made sense, so I eliminated this as the culprit. Maybe I should just change "the" to "a" to be on the safe side, but they are both possessive, so I'm still confused. (thinking out loud)

How's this? (But I hate that colon there. Really hate it.)

"The Dance of the Bumble Bees:"
Plants for the Beekeeper's Garden

or

"The Dance of the Bumble Bees:"
Plants for the Beekeeper's Garden

Any thoughts, anybody?
I could simplify the title, but I won't learn a darn thing in doing so.

LOL
I just noticed how long-winded this is. Sorry.

[Ed]

A comma is not the most successful choice of punctuation for separating two parts of a title. One part of your title is the main title (The Dance of the Bumble Bees), the second is your subtitle (Plants for the Beekeeper's Garden). Titles and subtitles are typically separated with a colon, but you could also use a hyphen.

Original
The Dance of the Bumble Bees, Plants for the Beekeeper's Garden

Better
The Dance of the Bumble Bees: Plants for the Beekeeper's Garden

Another option
The Dance of the Bumble Bees - Plants for the Beekeeper's Garden

Thanks,
Ed

[Celeste Stewart]

I agree with Ed that this is a good choice:
The Dance of the Bumble Bees: Plants for the Beekeeper's Garden

I don't think you need the quotation marks. Plus, they make the title look cluttered. As far as the possessive, I think "beekeeper's" is appropriate. Readers are going to identify with the title and article as if you're talking to them individually rather than collectively, at least if your article is written in 2nd person voice. On the other hand, if you are referring collectively to beekeepers, then that part of the title would read "Plants for Beekeepers' Gardens" (note the plural of gardens).

[Lor]

Thank you for relieving my anxiety Ed. The quest alone was a learning experience, which is probably one of the main purposes for the simplicity in the reports. When the thing is pointed out directly, the writers aren't going to learn anything without doing a little study. I learned all sorts of things, but it's good to have the answer now, so I can spend the afternoon writing. I'm all "learned out." <gr> Except for the question of quotes in titles. Hm.

Thanks for the quick response.